Why I Took 8 Years Off From Traveling
When you run make sure you run
To something and now away from ‘cause
Lies don’t need an airplane to chase you anywhere– The Avett Brothers
A long distance friend asked me recently in a concerned and slightly belittling tone “Kalyn, why aren’t you traveling? Don’t you feel like you’re missing out?” On an 8 year sabbatical from gypsy living, my answer was simple, I’m finding myself. Using a reverse Eat Pray Love tactic, I have, beyond all odds, stayed put for the first time in my life, like, ever.
What I’ve discovered, after years of sitting still, is that sometimes the best way to rediscover yourself is to shut the fuck up, sit the fuck down and chill the fuck out.
From Ramblin’ Child to Ramblin’ Adult
I popped out of the womb as a ramblin’ babe. By the age of 5, I had already lived in several states, made a cross country move and had a few overseas family vacations. My mom and dad embraced their wanderlust early on and the beginning of my life started off as a grand adventure.
The journey continued into adolescence and although “seeing the world” mostly consisted of changing schools or apartments, I became quite the curious spirit. Naturally, as soon as I was old enough I moved abroad right away. I had dreams of traveling the world by thirty, experiencing new cultures and exploring life through the lens of my camera.
When All That Ramblin’ Goes South
As time went on, and I bounced from college to college, passion to passion, state to state, career path to career path, I spent the majority of my time in existential crisis – literally, I had a psychologist diagnose me using that exact term. Jerk. Anyway, most of my anxiety stemmed from wanting to do more, see more and be more, and feeling chronically let down when life wasn’t exciting enough.
I had developed an addiction to needing to be in constant motion.
Sitting is the New Running
The truth is, in a nonstop state of “what do I do next,” I was never happy. In fact, I was deeply depressed.
When I quit a job, I wanted to run. When I had a falling out, I wanted to run. When I made a poor decision, I wanted to run. When I felt sad, or dissatisfied, or doubtful, or empty, I wanted to run like hell, and most times I did.
One day, I just stopped running.
I committed myself to ditching the FOMO (fear of missing out), and seeing what it felt like to face my life head on. It turns out, staying put was the most courageous thing I’ve ever done.
After a lifetime of searching for something I’d never find, I found myself.
In the past 8 years, I haven’t left the country. I haven’t backpacked the globe, ridden wild animals, done a spiritual pilgrimage or jumped off an exotic cliff with my GoPro. I haven’t gone to Burning Man or taken one of those naked butt selfies at the top of a mountain. I haven’t left the state for more than a weekend trip in over 2,920 days.
And yet, I found everything I needed, within myself. Imagine that. Tuning inward instead of seeking outward for happiness. I think I’m onto something.
It took way longer than I expected, the whole happiness thing – although, considering most people never find it, I’d say I did pretty well. I didn’t plan to stay put for as long as I did. It’s just that, I made a promise not to leave again until I felt whole, and I finally do.
In the past 8 years, I’ve learned to sit alone in a room and love the person I’m sitting with. I’ve learned that boredom is a made up concept. I’ve learned to laugh uncontrollably and hug with two arms. I’ve learned to have sex with the lights on. I’ve learned to treat my body like a goddamn temple. I’ve learned to live radically, explosively, unapologetically and with passion. I’ve learned how to find bliss in a single moment, and to repeat those moments on command.
Holy shit, you guys. This is the destination.
I took 8 years off from traveling, in exchange for the secret to permanent happiness. Now, as I plan my move to Costa Rica in a less than a year, I know I’ll be going for the right reasons, not to run away from the pain of mediocrity or to escape adult angst.
The next time I travel, I’ll be traveling for me.