A Letter to Women: Sex Isn't Flattery

Let’s talk about sex, baby.

See, in the past, I’ve censored myself. Who me? Yup. I’ve done it. Based on the number of f-bombs I use in my writing, you probably haven’t caught on. But, I’ve generally left the subject of sex off my blog because, well, it’s private, it’s personal and yeah, it makes us squirm in our seats a little bit.

It’s time for the sex talk.

I’m not referring to the “10 Tips for Pleasuring Your Man in the Bedroom” and all of that Cosmo bullshit. As fun and intriguing as those articles are, I want to dig into the less sexy side of intimacy.

We’ve all done it. Validated ourselves through sex.

We feel prettier when men want us. We feel less human when we’re not sexually desired. We allow sex to determine our value, instead of empowering ourselves to know, without question, that we’re worthy, unconditionally, with no strings attached.

I’m guilty of glory fucking. Having sex with a guy to feel better about myself. The hotter the fling, the higher my self worth. The more sexually desired I can make myself, the sexier I must be. He wants me = I’m sexy. He doesn’t want me = I’m shit.

Sex is a basic human need. One night stands are part of the rhythm of life. Sexual expression is healthy. But oh, my friends, please don’t mistake sex for flattery.

“He had sex with me because I’m pretty” is not an empowering statement. Can I get real for a sec, at the risk of sounding ugly? He had sex with you, because you’re anatomically built with a hole between your legs. Men are primal creatures. They will, 75% of the time, have sex with you, because you’re sexually available. This makes self validation through sex a highly flawed method.

I’m not here to degrade men. I’m not here to demean women. I'm not here to trash talk sex. I’m here to debunk the idea that sex is a form of flattery. Sex is many things, but it’s not a measure of your worth.

A friend casually mentioned to me “I was feeling bad about myself this week, so I had sex with so and so. Now I feel better.” Wait, what? What-in-the-fucking-hell? No. I’m no psychology expert, but I can guarantee that the temporary satisfaction of feeling wanted by a man does not heal us in the long run. It hurts us.

Our wounds are complex. If you are feeling hurt, unworthy, ugly, unwanted or small, there’s a path to healing. But it’s not through sex. It’s through reflection, meditation, honesty, vulnerability and layers upon layers of heart wrenching soul work.

Self love is a solitary process, as lonely as our own company may feel (and when we feel whole alone is when we’ve truly achieved self love). It’s up to us to dig deeper than sex for validation. It’s up to us to give ourselves permission to love who we are, exactly as we are.

Self love is sexy.

Sex is sacred. Sex is passionate. Sex is a sublime experience shared between a man and a woman (or two men, or two women, or any combination in between). Sex is powerful. Sex is explosive. Sex is a truly magical, mind blowing, heart thumping, bed pounding act. So, my friends. Promise me, when you have sex, you have sex knowing, with every ounce of your being, that you were always worthy.

Choose love. Choose yourself.